Yet Another ‘modest proposal’

Yet Another ‘modest proposal’

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Senator Constance Johnson (D-OK), you brave woman, you paragon of virtue, you judicator of justice; may we just say, thank you.

When they said parents have to listen to their fetus’ heartbeat before an abortion, you knew that wasn’t going far enough. When they put out the “personhood bill” which would give zygotes the same rights as adults, you knew they were getting closer, but lacked foresight and extremity of thought.

Senator, you knew there was only one way to assure the rights of potential life: Masturbation must end.

In your, assuredly, perfect world: “Any action in which a man ejaculates or otherwise deposits semen anywhere but in a woman’s vagina,” is murder. What gall, what brass, what nerve!

Every time a thoughtless man opens up the incognito browser window, he’s preparing to commit murder. Newly pubescent boys, curious and confused by their burgeoning sexuality need to be properly educated, lest they become little serial killers!

But Senator Johnson, we believe you still aren’t thinking big enough. In this fight, this war for the lives of the unborn, no option must be taken off the table.

For we have allowed a silent genocide to go on for far too long. A fetal massacre of the highest degree occurs once a month, and the corpses are deposited into the quilted wings of a Kotex pad.

Yes Senator, menstruation too must end.

Nobody is saying either of these will be easy. You might get a tiny little bit of resistance when you tell men they aren’t allowed to masturbate anymore, but these are the wages of a perfect society. And really, what woman wouldn’t want to stop having their period? We’ll worry about silly things like “how” later!

It’s not like there won’t be setbacks or issues; certain economic factors must be taken into consideration. The Kleenex and Dove corporations are inevitably going to take a huge dive, and the government must be prepared to cushion their fall.

Hundreds of porn-stars will need to be reintegrated back into society, and treated for the possible post traumatic stress they suffered while “over there” in the desolate land of California.

But what about the naysayers? What about those who say this, and other bills like it, are an imposition on personal human rights? Should we listen to those who disagree with the Judeo-Christian understanding of life? Shall we consider the opinion of those who are against a dogmatic perception of the law, and prefer the rationality of science and fact?

Senator, do the bright worry how their radiance effects the blind?

Imagine if we weren’t talking about this important issue. What might the conversation be about instead? Healthcare? The economy? What a waste of time. Why we’d scarcely have time to talk about the abomination that is gay marriage and how our president is secretly a socialist atheist Muslim satanist!

Instead let us rise up as one, right now, and say, “Today masturbation, tomorrow the world!”


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