What’s a Republican to do?

What’s a Republican to do?

Like a teenage girl’s dating record, the GOP presidential hopeful field is all over the place this election season. Red states have been enamored with womanizers, cheats and just plain losers. Can’t we just find a good boy to settle down with?
When declarations started rolling in, Republicans were hopeful one out of the many would be the one to beat President Obama.
Rick Perry tossed his hat into the ring in August. This was the one. He came from good stock as Texas governor and wasn’t too harsh on the eyes. A mere four months later, he couldn’t remember the third government agency he planned to eliminate. Further, he stated there were eight Supreme Court justices. The pretty ones are always lacking substance upstairs. So we quietly let him slide to the side.
Herman Cain came into the race with his strong views opposing the Occupy movement. Added bonus: He is African-American. That makes us look diverse right? Then came the accusations of sexual assault. That wouldn’t sit well with any party. Cain was quickly dropped like a bad habit.
Newt Gingrich did surprisingly well in his few weeks at the top of the GOP field. He’s exciting like an ex-boyfriend. We already knew his baggage and accepted it. His failures were so far back we couldn’t remember why we broke up in the first place. Oh, he wanted an open marriage? Yeah, that’s a little too blue state for us.
Mitt Romney seems the obvious choice. He hasn’t suffered any obvious gaffes, which makes him the nice boy mom approves of. The sparks didn’t fly but that’s ok, because he is the one. He’s the one we want as our pick. So what if he doesn’t light our fire like Obama’s base experienced in 08. He’s safe.
Wait, what? There’s a new guy in town? In a move that seemed unlikely even a week ago, Rick Santorum now has won more contests in the Republican primary circuit than long time frontrunner Romney. Underdogs are exciting. Maybe this is the one.
Ok, if this one messes up, we’ll go back with Romney. Heck, we all know how ex-wives lie. Maybe Gingrich is our guy.

Lead Reporter

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